So this week has been an interesting week. A week with ups and downs. Only one short trip on a bike and a lot of time pondering the politics of the UK. So I managed one ride as that is all I could this week and I felt terrible the whole time on the bike. I had originally gone out to ponder life as well this week has been great. The ride can be found here on Strava.
The reason for pondering life is that I managed to have two great doctors appointments. One has confirmed that I am deaf. Which in one way is great as I now have a reason for staring at you in dumb miscomprehension. It also explains why I just agree with everything anyone says as it is easier than constantly going “What?”
The next one was that I seem to suffer from transient global amnesia. This explains that why I forget most of the things we have talked about, even when I heard them. It also explains why I can quote you Rousseau but can not tell you what we did last week. That or I just don’t care enough to remember what we did last week.
Life it is a funny old thing isn’t it?
I am also wondering if my hatred of pressfit bottom brackets, plastic bikes, and Ed Sheeran comes from the inability to deal with new ideas but remember old, ingrained ideas? Which is a thought but then I remember it is just because all of those things are not as great or can be said to be a bit shit.
All of these ideas float around and then feed into the depression that I spend far too much of my time fighting against. It is all one big feedback loop. You sit with people, you talk about things, I can’t hear so I drop back, I move in to hear things and hear about things I should remember but can’t, so drop back out again, all the while wondering why, getting mad at myself, which all then feeds in doubts. This builds into anxiety for my next social situation.
This leads to me either locking myself away or fighting hard to actually go out. Both of which lead to me feeling down. Having to spend most days arguing with yourself to leave a house is not fun. Staying in a house and not leaving is also not fun. You then fight every day, it is why I love cycling.
I can leave the house but I do not necessarily have to be in a social situation. I can just go and turn pedals, I might not be fast, I might not be graceful but at least I have left the bedroom fortress of solitude.
I also jump from idea to idea. Partly due to being manic but mainly because I have forgotten the previous idea. This generally pisses off everyone around me and I can see why but I genuinely can’t remember what last week’s amazing idea was. I do think last week’s idea was amazing though and if you can send me it on a postcard that would be great. This is why now if you see me I will be staring at a phone, tablet or a notebook, basically I am searching for what I was doing and what I should currently be doing.
Which reminds me…